


I would drown for you if I had to

by Mouse (clandestineAbattoir)



Series: The Plight of Drowned Men [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Drowning, Drowning used as a metaphor for love, Feels like a hozier song but it isn't, It doesn't work out in the end, M/M, but not literally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 02:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20716694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestineAbattoir/pseuds/Mouse
Summary: Duck Newton is an ocean, you have decided. He is an ocean, vast and endless and dangerous. That is the only explanation for the saltwater filling your lungs every time you are curled in bed alone, thinking about how he would be here with you, if you let him.





	I would drown for you if I had to

You are drowning. 

Every time you see him, all kind, soft face, unwavering against the steady, forceful waves of your soul, your lungs fill with water, and you let yourself drown. You would drown a million times, die a million different deaths if it meant that he never had to stop holding you like that. 

You wish it weren’t that way. You wish you could warn him about all the bad things you’ve done, about the tidal wave that has been building inside of you since before his very existence. But you can’t. It never leaves your mouth, no matter how hard you try. You open your lips to speak, and he knows what you’re going to say. 

_ “I’m a monster. You’re curled up in bed with a monster.” _

_ “I am too dangerous, I am going to destroy you.” _

He knows, and every time, he decides he doesn’t want to hear it. He puts a finger to your lips, a gentle shush, and all that comes out of your mouth is salt water. 

Duck Newton is an ocean, you have decided. He is an ocean, vast and endless and dangerous. That is the only explanation for the saltwater filling your lungs every time you are curled in bed alone, thinking about how he would be here with you, if you let him. 

You do not think you could ever let him. Because no matter how much you deny it, you will destroy him, eventually. Wear down his soul until he is nothing, and then you will be nothing. Maybe it isn’t such a bad way to go, after all. But he does not deserve to meet the same fate as you. 

You tell him this, one day, sitting on his couch. His cat is curled up in your lap like a rumbling space heater. He doesn’t look away from Tony Hawk Pro Skater as he tells you that’s bullshit. You heave water from your lungs, frustrated. He won’t listen to you. You decide that the sound of the ocean inside him drowns out your warning. It’s easier than admitting the alternative. That he stays despite this. That he says because he loves you. You are not meant to be loved. But you know in your heart that he loves you anyway.

You flee, one day, from his apartment. You cannot bear the burning in your lungs any longer. He cannot see that you are drowning. Otherwise, he might have accepted your pleas for him to just kill you. 

You flee, you know not where to, and you pretend that the increased burning in your lungs is because you are out of shape. It is not because you miss him. You cannot miss him. He was never yours to miss. You could not let him give himself to you, that way. He tried. But this, you would not falter on. 

_ “You can’t Duck,” you would tell him, his hands grasping yours desperately. You felt tears fill your eyes behind your glasses. The saltwater had escaped your lungs and was leaking out of you now. “You can’t say it.  _ ** _Please,_ ** _ don’t say it.” _

_ “Why not, Indrid?” He would accuse in that broken baritone of his, and the water in your lungs threatened to choke out the answer you really wanted to say, but you refrained. You lied to his face, every time, about why you could not hear him say that he loved.  _

_ You lied because you were scared of him finding out how much he was hurting you. _

Dimly, you register a voice calling after you as you run. You do not look back. You cannot look back. You know if you look back, you’ll find the ocean again. 

And you don’t know if you can keep yourself out of the water again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I am thinking about writing a sequel for this but Who Knows man. Comment if you want one and maybe I'll find the motivation.


End file.
